hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
