bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
