hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Randomize
