god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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