guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
thus making me awesome and them whores
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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