you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
