She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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