During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
Everything about him screamed your future.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
