I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
everyone is single if you try hard enough
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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