If i come over, it means nothing
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
