I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
I checked into jail on foursquare
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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