My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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