I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Randomize
