So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
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