Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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