I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Come back. Shots need mouths.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Randomize
