Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
29 “I’m Getting Old” Moments
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
19 Worst Song Lyrics of All Time
It happened again.
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.