Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS