he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
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I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
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Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos