She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
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