halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
