Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
