Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Randomize
