You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
