I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
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I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
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Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
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