just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
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