im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Randomize
