is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Randomize
