first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
