yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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