STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Randomize
