May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
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