I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Randomize
