Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
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