how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Just pee around me
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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