Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
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