Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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