Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
