worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
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