True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
