I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Randomize
