Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Randomize
