I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
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