you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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