ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
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