I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
