Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Randomize
