Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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