Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Randomize
