so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
Randomize
