She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
