She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
soo... how was my night?
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
