Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Randomize
