She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
And then my night got REAL pukey
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
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