dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Randomize
