My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
