I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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