and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
I hope this doesn't change things. I feel that me being a minor made it more exciting.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
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