as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Randomize
