This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
