You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
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