apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Randomize
