I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Randomize
