no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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